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Words of Wisdom for Self-doubt

22/1/2015

4 Comments

 
Picture of Whispering Hall from The Chronicles of Destiny Fortune Cards
Initial anticipation starts to fade as a familiar voice creeps in from the corners of the Seeker's mind. Quietly it ventures in, sowing seeds of doubt and questioning their ability. Whispering reminders from the halls of time echo the memory of failures past, holding the Seeker captive in its sound. Motionless, they wait in the dark recess of their mind, lost in the wasteland of the Whispering Hall.

Picture of The Elder, The Chronicles of Destiny Fortune Cards
I’ve been reading a brilliant book by Amanda Palmer called The Art of Asking. For those of you who don’t know, Amanda Palmer is an amazing singer/songwriter, one half of The Dresden Dolls and one of my favourite artists.

In The Art of Asking she talks about her fear of critics when she started performing, about the faceless people in the back of the room passing judgement. Later on, after she meets the audience, she realises that “they’re not scary at all. They’re just . . . a bunch of people.” And most of the time they will support you and want to see you do well. And this fear of criticism, of judgement, all stems back to a basic human need to be seen, to be accepted and to be loved. (I highly recommend this book to anyone! I don’t have the word count to fully explain how profound and moving it is.)  

I am finding the book to be incredibly relevant right now. Last weekend I played a gig with my husband in a local pub. I used to sing in a band and had performed gigs, but it’s been about 8 years since my last one and I was absolutely terrified. Our friends kept telling us how brave we were, and I knew that they at least would enjoy our set, after all, friends will love you even if you fail. Once I got up there I was fine, I loved it and wanted to do more! And then something amazing happened, completely random people who we had never met told us they thought we were great! What do you know; the crowd wasn’t so scary after all.  

I was 11 when I decided I wanted to write books, and as a teenager that was my go to answer when people asked the inevitable: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” As such, I’ve been writing a novel since I was 15, so ten years now. In the back of my mind I always asked myself why was it taking me so long, am I just not cut out for this? It was only when I had an assessment with a creative writing tutor (who is sadly no longer here) that I realised why.  

As long as I was writing my book it was in my hands, under my control. When it was finished I’d have to send it off and what if it was rejected, repeatedly? What if it was reviewed badly? And the most frightening, what if nobody even buys it and gives it a chance? Once it was out there and out of my control my work was at the mercy of the world, and what if they didn’t like it, and thereby not like me? That was why I never finished.  

Granted, The Chronicles of Destiny isn’t that novel I was working on (I will get it finished someday!) but it is my first published work, something I had worked on with my mum, that we were very passionate about, something we believed in. I tried to push the fear of criticism to the back of my mind.  

Self-doubt is one of the worst types of fears I think, the uncertainty and anxiety that is only within ourselves but is all consuming. I kept reminding myself of a quote in The Elder card, words that we ourselves had written, so I should probably follow the philosophy:  

“Everyone who came before you and each who will come after experiences doubt, but those who allow it to conquer them return empty-handed; we do not remember the heroes who did not act, they are swallowed unknown into history. Within you is a seed of greatness, but only when you recognise that strength will the seed begin to 
grow . . .”

When we got our first review mum called me up to let me know.
“We’ve got our first review on Amazon...”
Nervous silence on my end.
“It’s five stars and absolutely glowing!”

Now as you know, mum already has two published books, so whilst she still sounded positively thrilled with this news it wasn’t her first great review, but it was mine. I squealed in delight down the phone. Someone out there had bought our book (in itself thrilling) and they liked it!

Interestingly enough, no matter what has gone before, mum gets nervous too, every time. Writing a book feels such a personal part of yourself so criticism always hurts, but it's the risk we take if we want to share our work, in the hope it is of value to others. Mum told me that when she received her first bad reviews for Easy Tarot she wanted to crawl under a stone and it’s a miracle she ever wrote another book because of how awful she felt. So, the words of the Elder are very true, we're not alone in our fears. 

And then more reviews popped up, again five stars. For someone whose confidence has always been a bit shaky, this is completely amazing to me! So I just want to say thank you very much for supporting The Chronicles of Destiny and removing my fears, I want to hug all of you! And if you haven’t already, please share your thoughts of the deck on Amazon :) 

So tell me, dear readers, what’s behind your self-doubts? What does the Whispering Hall conjure up in your mind? Or have you overcome any of your fears lately, in any small or big way?  I’ve told you ours, so please feel free to share yours - we love hearing from you.
Ems xxx

P.S I'm on Twitter, join me! https://twitter.com/EmsEllershaw

4 Comments
Sally
25/1/2015 01:48:45 pm

Hi Em: I loved this entry about The Whispering Hall. I have a huge amount of respect for your willingness to put yourself in the public's eye with your singing and your writing. I have been loving The Chronicles and, of course, have both of your mum's other 2 books. I had a very difficult time sharing my paintings with the public--so I completely understand about your fear of rejection. Keep writing and singing because you love it! I will keep painting for the same reason. There will always be an audience for your work. Best, Sally

Reply
Ems link
25/1/2015 02:29:08 pm

Hi Sally, I'm so happy to hear you've been enjoying our work *internet hugs!*
I think it's so hard because art, in any form, is like a little window into your real self. We might hold ourselves back in our day to day interactions, but our art is our raw self - and when it's something you feel passionate about you want to protect it.
I've always wished that I could draw or paint, or create any kind of good visual art, so I'm a little jealous of you there! Well done you :)
Take care!

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Steven Bright link
29/1/2015 02:35:56 pm

This is a great post, Emily. And I very much like The Whispering Hall which accompanies it.

You know, when you commented on my deck (The Spirit within the Shadows) and asked about it being published, I had some 'go-to' answers as well. Thinking about it right now, I am a little scared of putting it out there and facing rejection or criticism. Maybe this is why it has not been sent anywhere yet. So despite pride in my artwork and writing, my tarot reading and teaching, I do have self-doubt and worry (however many people tell me something is good or I am doing something well).

My CoD deck has been despatched so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will arrive this week.

I hadn't realised who your mother was. But I have both of her other books on my shelf too. I liked her clear writing style in Easy Tarot so much that I bought her second book when that came out.

Look forward to sharing more of my thoughts with you when I receive the set :)

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Josie and Ems link
29/1/2015 02:58:53 pm

Hi Steven!
I would say, it's brave step but you have to balance both sides of the coin. In whatever you do not everyone has the same taste, so there will always be those that do and those who don't like it, you just never know.
That said there's nothing like the feeling of holding your finished work in your hands, so it's a bonus when others see what you saw when you created it and enjoy it. Just for the record, Chronicles was turned down by two other publishers :) so keep the faith!
We love the concept of the deck, so we'll be ordering a copy each! And thank you for the kind words about Josie's other books, that's really appreciated :-)

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